How Can I Stop Yelling At My Child?

Hi Lauren,

I am a single mom to a beautiful and smart 7yr old girl.  It's just me and her.  I have my parents that help with child care while I work full time and go to school part time.  Her father is not in the picture nor has he ever been.

 I often find myself getting angry, frustrated with her.  Then I get angry at myself for yelling.  Some things are justified others I feel like I get mad for no reason.  Any advice on how to have some patience and work on my anger?

Thanks.

-Don't Want To Be A Bad Mom

Dear Don't,

Between a full time job, school, and being a single mom, it sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate, and your outbursts may be directed at your daughter simply because she is the only one around for you to yell at when you are stressed.  You probably constantly rush to and from work, school and home, trying to maintain a household, do homework, and care for your daughter, with little or no time to care for yourself or take a break.  Anyone would be stressed in that situation.

I wonder, though, if you have given any thought to the stress your daughter is probably experiencing as well?  Seven can be a stressful age for kids under the best of circumstances.  I am guessing that she is in first or second grade, which is a difficult time of adjustment for kids.  For the first time in their lives they are really expected to behave responsibly in class, they are struggling to keep up with school work and homework, and are dealing with school rules, yelling teachers (even when teachers yell at other kids it is stressful for all of the kids in the class) and various social problems (bullying, cattiness, jealousy, sharing, etc.) with other kids at school every day.  Add to this the fact that your daughter probably gets to spend way less time with you than she (or you) really needs and wants, she does not have a dad, and she is alternately being raised by your parents, who may have one set of rules for her to try to deal with, and you with another set of rules for her to follow.  So I am guessing that you are not the only one that is stressed in your household, and perhaps your daughter is not always on her best behavior by the time she gets to see you each day.

Put all of this together, and I am guessing that neither of you is as happy as you could be.  So what do you do?  You have already taken the first steps, which are to realize that you have gotten into a bad habit of yelling, and seeking help to stop this behavior.  Like any bad habit, it will take conscious effort and hard work on your part to break it.  Am I saying that you are never going to yell at your child?  Of course not, nobody is that perfect of a parent, including myself.  But you can take the following steps to reduce the yelling and promote peace and calmness in your home, which will benefit both of you:

1.  It may sound cliche, but when you feel like yelling, take a deep breath and mentally count to 10 while reminding yourself that your daughter is just a kid.  That brief pause will help you to act without reacting in anger to whatever she has done wrong;

2.  Create a structured system in your home so that your daughter knows exactly what is expected of her.  For example, if you are constantly yelling at her for leaving her shoes and coat on the floor when she comes home, write a checklist for her to complete each day - i.e. Put shoes in closet, hang up coat, wash hands, etc.  You can put a gold star next to each day that she completes these tasks without being told, and 5 gold stars can mean a reward, like a trip to the bookstore, a favorite dessert, etc., which brings us to my next tip;

3.  Instead of yelling at your child for bad behavior, try rewarding good behavior.  For example, if getting your daughter to do her homework ends in yelling every night, try instead telling her that if she finishes her homework in a half hour, you will be able to do something special with her (like read a book, give her an extra long bubble bath, play a game with her, etc.);

4.  Try to take care of yourself to reduce your own stress levels. I know it's hard, but get as much sleep as possible (which greatly reduces stress), eat healthy and drink plenty of water, and try to exercise as much as your schedule will allow, either alone or with your daughter.  Walking, jogging, biking, dancing or any type of exercise with your daughter for even 20 minutes a day means will greatly reduce stress levels for both of you and give you quality time together; and

5.  Take 10 minutes to yourself before you see your daughter each day to take a breath and steady yourself.  Stop to get a cup of coffee, tea, hot chocolate (whatever soothes you) and sit in your car listening to music and unwinding for a few minutes before going home.  Close your eyes and take some slow, deep breathes, and stretch your neck and shoulders to relieve tension.

Your daughter is probably used to you yelling, and not only will the yelling lose its effect as a deterrent to bad behavior (which it probably already has), it will actually cause your child to become resentful and hurt and act out more.  Once you consistently cut down on the yelling for a period of time, I am guessing that your daughter will be happier and will give you even less reasons to yell at her.

Bottom Line:  Yelling is rarely effective, is detrimental to a child's self-esteem, and leaves us mothers riddled with guilt and feeling like the worst kind of bully.  Make a conscious effort to break the habit, and both you and your child will feel a lot better.  Good luck!

~Lauren

Mom Limits Ex-In Laws' Visits With Kids After Divorce

Dear Lauren,

My brother separated from his wife a year ago and they are going through a divorce. She lives 14 hours away with my two very young nephews. My family and I have always been extremely supportive of her regardless of her and my brothers falling out. Since they have separated my family and I have seen a completely different side of her.

Recently my family and I decided to take a trip to visit my nephews after the holidays since their mother changed her mind about letting them visit during Christmas.  My mother called my nephews mother to finalize details of the trip, and she advised my mom that we would be able to see my nephews M,W,F and every other weekend no exceptions!

My mother cried and tried reasoning with her to make exception for this special long distant trip but to no avail.  I've tried talking to her in the past but with no positive results. My brother on the other hand only gets angry when we try to make a difference with her.

What do I do?  This is only hurting my nephews and they don't deserve to be caught in the middle.

~Caught In The Middle

Dear Caught,

First, let me applaud you and your family for going to such great lengths to maintain a connection with your nephews.  You seem to be stuck in the middle of a very emotionally charged situation, but I think that if handled properly, things will get better in time once everyone calms down. 

You said that following the separation you saw a different side to your ex-sister-in-law.  As she is in the middle of a divorce, I am guessing that despite your efforts to support her, she now feels like an outsider to your family and is probably defensive at the moment.  Add to that the fact that she has lost a husband and has two kids caught in the middle of a divorce, I am sure that she is very upset and just trying to gain her footing and adjust to her new life. 

I would say, play by her rules, continue to offer her your support, and hopefully in time she will come around.  If you follow her schedule, it seems to me you can see the boys for four consecutive days (Friday thru Monday), which is a decent amount of time with small children, and if you care to wait around and entertain yourself, you can see them on Wednesday and Friday too.  Also, when is dad's visitation?  If he has the boys every other weekend, perhaps that can extend your time with them as well.

In the meantime, make sure that your ex-sister-in-law still feels like part of the family, or at least a friend.  Invite her to join you and the boys, whether the visit is at her house or yours.  Phone her once a week, send her emails, talk to her on facebook, etc.  In time, she will likely feel more secure that she still has a place in your family (even if it is only because she is the mother of your nephews) and she will let down her defenses.

Bottom Line:  You unfortunately have little choice but to abide by your ex-sister-in-law's rules.  My suggestion is to continue to be the best family you can be to your nephews, the best friend you can be to their mom, and hope that in time she will see how lucky her children are to have you and will work with you to maintain a relationship between you and her sons.  Good luck!

~Lauren