~How To Handle Bullies

Dear Expert Mom,

My daughter is in second grade, and she has been coming home upset everyday because one of the "cool girls" has decided that my daughter can no longer be a part of her group, sit with her at lunch, etc. My daughter is extremely upset. I am not sure that this constitutes "bullying" - after all, I can't force someone to be friends with my daughter, so I don't think I should call the school, but I am not sure what to do. Please help - I feel so bad for her I could cry.

~Sad in San Diego

Dear Sad,

Ugh. Nothing breaks a mother's heart more than hearing that someone is being mean to your child when you are not there to protect them. It starts in preschool, and it never ends, even when we are adults in the workplace. There is always that one little bugger that will give you some form of bullying, whether it is as mild as excluding you, or as severe as physically assaulting you, or somewhere in-between. No matter how mild the bullying is, it hurts, and can easily destroy your child's self-esteem, especially if the other kids are intimidated by the "cool girl" and start being afraid to socialize with your daughter for fear of being the "cool girl's" next target. So, here is what you do... Start by explaining to your daughter what a wonderful person she is, and that if "cool girl" doesn't want to be her friend, then it is just so sad for "cool girl", and she ("cool girl") will be the one missing out. Don't teach her to hate or be mad at the "cool girl" - it will do your daughter no good to hold grudges and walk around hating every kid that is mean to her. This will just hurt her and make her a miserable person in the end. Rather, teach her to just feel sorry for anyone missing out on her friendship. This is especially important because kids are finicky, they constantly change best friends, and your daughter and "cool girl" may find their way back to being friends, as kids often do. I have taught my kids a phrase that they seem to love when someone is mean or does not want to play with them - they say "Oh well, their loss" and they move on. Next, tell your daughter that there are plenty of other nice kids to play with and eat lunch with, and to move on to one of them. Next, it is definitely ok to contact her teacher and whoever is in charge of lunch duty, and alert them to the situation. Tell them that you realize that this is just kids being kids, but that you would appreciate it if they could keep an eye on the situation, and try to make sure that your daughter is not being ostricized at lunch. Ask the teacher if she can find a way to pair your daughter and "cool girl" for a project, even if it is just staying a few minutes after class, before lunch, to erase the blackboard together - anything to get them to connect. Just be sure to tell the teacher that you do not want the girl or your daughter knowing that you called, as this will cause more problems. When I was in middle school, I too was the target of a bully. After an altercation one day, the principal sentenced us both to detention together. As I was clearly the victim, I could not understand the logic of this. Only now, decades later, do I understand. After being isolated together, the bully and I began to talk, and we left detention, not best friends, but definitely civil to each other, and she never bothered me again. If the teacher does not handle the situation, go to the principal. There are strong anti-bullying rules in affect in schools across the country these days, and the principal will most definitely handle this, especially if you use the word "bullying", which this is. Lastly, you can try calling the girl's mom, telling her that the girl's seem to be having some problems, and arrange a playdate, maybe to a movie or someplace where they don't have to talk as much but can still hang out together, to try to get them to ease their tensions and connect again. In the meantime, give your daughter extra love and praise at home to boost her self confidence. Stay strong and supportive, and you will both make it throught this!