~Terrible Twos, Threes, Fours, Fives???

Dear Expert Mom,

When my beautiful, perfect little angel turned two, we started to notice some behavioral problems with him. Talking back, tantrums, etc. We chalked it up to the terrible twos. Then, when he turned three, this behavior got worse. We have tried everything, time-outs, little spankings, taking away everything we can think of, but nothing works. My friends told me not to worry, that the terrible threes are even worse than the terrible twos. Well, he is now five, and this bad behavior has not gotten any better. He talks back constantly, yells in frustration, calls me "mean mommy", etc. My husband says it is "just a phase". I say, this has been going on for three years with no end in sight - how long can we call it a phase? Is it possible that he will just always have bad behavior?

~Worried in Trenton

Dear Worried,

Don't panick. This is just a phase. A long, frustrating, exhausting phase that we all go through. Kids are very easily stressed-out, but don't know how to express their stress and fears, so they act out. Plus, today's kids are faced with many more stresses and forced to grow up much more quickly than we were. Think about it - when we were kids, most of us stayed home with mommy and watched cartoons, colored and played until we were five and went to kindergarten, where we colored some more. We watched gentle cartoons like bugs bunny and Sesame Street. Today's kids, on the other hand, are forced to grow up much faster. They are put into daycare from birth and/or preschool as early as two and three years old, where they are without mommy and forced to learn to behave and socialize in a structured setting. We are told that they must learn the alphabet, to use scissors, and be familiar with a computer or else they will be BEHIND by the time they enter KINDERGARTEN! They watch cartoons that are so intricate and filled with violence that I can barely follow them. Plus, we as parents are facing many more economic stresses than our parents did, with many moms having to work either outside the home, or inside the home, which creates a certain level of stress for both mom and kids as mom tries to keep everyone quiet to get work done. Also, although they may not react to it at the time, kids pick-up on everything that is discussed in front of them. Think about it - have you and your spouse either talked about or actually done any of the following: moved, changed jobs, had a baby, dealt with a sickness or death of a family member? School and new babies are the biggies for triggering bad behavior. Bottom line, they are trying their best, even though it may not seem like it, and they will outgrow it. In the meantime, no matter how terribly they treat us, we have to remember that they are still our babies and are desperate for our love and approval. I too have tried all of the negative punishments that you mentioned, all to no avail. My son spent more time in time-out then out of it. I took away so many toys that I could barely move in my bedroom, while his was empty. However, I have found two things that do work: 1)less t.v. and more interactive activities - sit down and do a highlights magazine with your son; take him for a walk; let him exercise with you, help you clean the house, do the laundry with you, anything that helps the two of you to interact and gets him moving; and 2) positive reinforcement - I stopped yelling and punishing all of the time and focused on talking calmly and acting ecstatic over any good things my child did. I still used time-outs, but in a very calm manner, for shorter periods of time, and I reminded my son before, during and after why he was punished. I also was sure to tell Daddy in front of him what a "good boy" he was and did not mention the bad things to Daddy in front of him. This got a huge, happy reaction out of him, and started changing his thinking from "I'm a bad boy" to "I am a good boy". This is very important, because if your son feels like the bad child, he will act like it. It is so important not to put that label on our difficult child, because it becomes self-fulfilling. I also used a prize chart - every day that my child went until dinner time and behaved good, did not yell, whatever I was trying to reinforce, they would get a sticker on the chart for that day. Ten stickers and they got to pick out a $5 prize at the store. This was very effective. So, bottom line, be patient, remember that although he may act older he is still only five and filled with insecurity, and stay positive and active with your child. And remember, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: this too shall pass!