Do I Have To Make My Future Stepdaughter My Maid Of Honor?

Dear Expert Mom,

I am hoping that you can help me. My boyfriend "Bob" recently asked me to marry him. This will be the second time around for both of us. We both have daughters from our previous marriages. My daughter, "April" is 17 and his daughter "Dawn" is 15. Our daughters do not like each other, nor does his daughter Dawn seem to care much for me. If anything, she acts like she can barely tolerate me. Luckily, her mother has custody, but she will be spending weekends and some holidays with us.

I have asked my daughter to be my maid of honor. The problem is, Bob feels very strongly that I should also ask his daughter to be co-maid of honor. I am fine letting her be a bridesmaid, but why should I have to ruin this special day for me and my daughter by giving this position of honor to someone who clearly does not want to be around either one of us?

Am I wrong to want everything to be perfect on my big day?

-Bride To Be In Beech Grove Indiana


Dear Bride,

No offense, but the word "Bridezilla" is echoing in my head. You need to take a moment to re-read your own words: you refer to your wedding as a "special day for me and my daughter" and "my big day". What about Bob? This day is about you and him, not you and your daughter. And since it is about you and Bob, then it is natural that you both want to include the person who is most important to you in a special way. For both of you, that person is each of your daughters.

It does not matter that your teenage daughters don't get along at the moment, or that a 15 year old is having a hard time accepting her father's future wife. It is time for you to grow up and be the bigger person here. Realize how hard this must be for your future stepdaughter to see someone taking her mom's place beside her father.

Instead of making things worse by acting like your daughter is more important than Bob's, include his daughter equally and make her feel special. Whether she is a bridesmaid or a maid of honor, she will still be a member of the wedding party, she will still be standing a few feet from you at the alter, and she will still be in all of the pictures. So is it really worth tearing this new family apart before you are even joined together by quibbling over her title of maid of honor vs. bridesmaid?

Explain to your daughter that in your heart she is your true maid of honor, but that you are forming a new family and must make and effort to include Bob's daughter. This experience may even make it easier for your daughters to bond, and when Dawn is older, she will appreciate your loving gesture, even if she is too immature to do so now.

As an aside, has Bob considered making Dawn his best man? Gender no longer seems to play a role for the person that will stand up for you at your wedding. Bob can certainly make his daughter his "Best Woman" or "Best Maid".

Bottom Line: What is important at the end of your wedding day is that you and your man will be married. Keep the peace, think of this as a gift to your future husband, and include his daughter as if she were your own. Good luck!

~Expert Mom