How Can I Make My Kids Behave At The Dinner Table?

Dear EM,

How can I get my boys, ages 5 and 3, to behave at the dinner table? Every night I spend the entire dinner yelling at them to stop singing, yelling, leaving the table before they are finished, playing with their food, etc. It is impossible for my husband and I to even attempt to have a conversation, and we both choke down our food and leave the table feeling nauseous.

Can you please give me any advice on how to have a quiet, peaceful dinner?

-"Fed Up" in Princeton, N.J.

Dear Fed Up,

This is a problem many parents struggle with, yet it is surprisingly easy to fix, if you are willing to put in the work.

Start by making your kids feel like they are a part of the dinner. Let them set the table, make place cards, fold napkins, help cook, anything to make them feel involved and have pride in the meal. Make sure to point out their contributions during dinner.

Next, explain to them before dinner what is expected of them. Tell them that when they are at the table, they must behave like gentlemen. Tell them that talking is OK, but they must use their "dinner table voices", and they cannot sing, yell, or leave the table until they ask to be excused and you say "yes".

It is important to remember that, while kids are capable of exhibiting proper manners, they are still kids, and cannot sit still for as long as we can. To minimize their time at the table, do not ask them to sit down until you are ready to put their dish in front of them. When they have finished eating, it is OK to make them stay at the table for a few extra minutes of family time, but by the 15 minute mark, start thinking about allowing them to be excused from the table.

During dinner, keep your kids focused and entertained in a way that teaches them how to engage in polite dinner conversation. For example, you can go around the table and have each person report three good things about their day. Whoever is displaying the best table manners can go first. Or, play "best and worst", where each person tells the best part and worst part of their day (bonus: you will learn things that went on at school and with friends that you might not have known). I believe that President Obama's family plays a version of this game that they call "Roses and Thorns". If it works for the President of the United States . . . .

You can also use this family time to teach your kids without them even realizing it! Play a game where you ask them if they can tell you which food group each food belongs to, and how it helps your body. Or talk about different occupations, and ask if they can tell you what that person does (i.e. veterinarian, lawyer, janitor, etc.). Ask them what they want to be when they grow up, or places that they would like to visit. They may not know all of the answers at this age, but you can give them some suggestions to spark their imaginations.

My favorite dinnertime tool has always been those placemats that you can buy at the dollar store or Kmart that have the alphabet, a map, math problems, etc. printed on them. It allows you to review letters, geography, whatever, while your kids are eating. Kids love them, and they serve the dual purposes of quietly entertaining your children while teaching them at the same time!

Also, let your kids know that they cannot be the sole focus at dinner - that everybody at the table is important. Teach them to ask mommy and daddy questions about how their day was, and to listen respectfully while you answer. This will not only teach them manners and respect, but will also give you and your husband a chance to talk to each other about your day.

Lastly, enforce the rules. If, after several warnings your child does not behave, tell them that they are being rude and too distracting for the rest of the family to enjoy their dinner. Excuse them from the table until the rest of the family is finished eating - let them play quietly in their room or any other room except for the one in which you are eating, and do not let them watch t.v. while they wait. When the rest of the family has finished, allow them to sit at the table by themselves to finish their meal. Also, if you have dessert at night, you can withhold dessert from whoever did not behave at dinner, or t.v., or whatever works for you.

If you are consistent, you should see some improvement almost immediately, and big improvements within a couple of weeks.

Bottom Line: There is no reason why kids should not be expected to display polite table manners. They are fully capable of behaving for a short period of time, and insisting that they do so at home will have the added bonus of allowing you to eat with your children at other people's houses and at restaurants without fear of embarrassment. Good luck!

~Expert Mom