Is My Son's Friend Being Abused?

Dear Expert Mom,

While I was dropping my son off at kindergarten the other day, I noticed that his friend, "Sam", had a black eye. When I asked him what happened, he told me that he was talking too loudly while his older brother (who is in 6th grade) was watching t.v., so his brother grabbed him by the throat and punched him in the eye! I was stunned, and did not know what to say. I am worried that Sam may be in an unsafe environment. Do I call his parents? Call social services? What should I do to help him?

-Concerned Parent in Maui

Dear Concerned,

That does sound like pretty violent behavior for a twelve year old. My concern is whether there is an abusive parent in the house from whom he is learning this behavior. Of course, Sam is only in kindergarten, and may have embellished what was actually an accident or normal brotherly rough-housing that went awry (although his big brother should be taking it easy on him due to the age difference).

I do not know if Sam's parents would appreciate another parent calling them and meddling in their business. I would start with the teacher and/or principal. Tell them what you observed and what Sam told you, and ask them to follow-up with Sam's parents to find out what really happened. Perhaps this was a one-time occurrence and Sam's brother has been punished.

If the school refuses to get involved, then you have to decide whether you want to contact social services. If Sam had told you that a parent did this to him, then I would make a call immediately. But since he said it was his brother (and hopefully he is not covering for someone else), I personally would wait and see if it happens again. Make an effort to talk to him, ask how his weekend was, etc. If something is not right, you will probably pick up on it from Sam, and then you can get further involved.

Bottom Line: It is commendable to try to protect a child that you think is in trouble. However, it might be jumping the gun to ask social services to disrupt a family's life over something that was likely a case of bad sibling rivalry, and was probably already properly handled by the parents. Good luck!

~Expert Mom