My MIL Thinks My Daughter Is Hers

Dear Expert Mom,

My MIL is really starting to upset me. I swear she thinks that my two year old daughter Chelsea is hers. When I was pregnant, before we even had Chelsea, my MIL converted a spare bedroom in her house into a completely over-the-top nursery. She painted the walls pastel colors, put up baby border, bought a fancy thousand dollar crib, baby furniture, stuffed animals, etc. The stuff that she bought was way more expensive than what we bought. I thought this was really creepy, and I was upset that she tried to outdo us, but I did not say anything.

When Chelsea was born, my MIL came by all the time. She bought her tons of fancy little dresses that were completely impractical, and huge stuffed animals that we had no room for. We tried to tell her that Chelsea had enough stuff and that we didn't have room for tons of toys and clothes, but she just wouldn't listen.

She insists on having Chelsea sleep over at least every other weekend, and says that she needs "alone time" with her "baby girl". This annoys me to no end - Chelsea is my baby girl, not hers! I have even caught her saying to Chelsea "come to mommy", referring to herself! I was so mortified I did not even know what to say!

Please tell me how to make her back-off. I do not want to end our relationship with her, but she needs to respect our boundaries.

-Desperate Daughter In Law In Columbus

Dear Desperate,

It seems that there are some boundaries that need to be set here, but overall, I think you are not seeing the forest for the trees. For every letter like yours that I get, I receive about a hundred others complaining that their MIL has no time at all for their kids. What you seem to be missing here is that your child is fortunate enough to have a very loving and generous grandmother who is ecstatic over having a grandaughter to spoil and love.

Don't worry about grandma outshining you with fancy furniture and gifts. She will never take the place of mommy. However, if you let her, she will be a cherished grandma who will build beautiful memories for your little girl. Your child is truly blessed. Plus, you have someone who is willing to let your daughter sleep over in what seems to be a child-friendly environment. Do you have any idea how many couples would kill for that? To have a completely kid-free night twice a month while a loving relative watches their child? Where do I sign up?

That being said, I do agree that your MIL calling herself "Mommy" is a bit too much. Depending on your MIL's personality, you can either handle it like a joke ("Sorry, 'Mommy' is already taken!" or "Did you carry her for nine months? No? Then I guess I must be 'Mommy'"), or sit her down and tell her that you love how much she loves your daughter, but you don't want to confuse your daughter by calling grandma "Mommy". If that doesn't work, tell her that she got to be "mommy" to her kids, and that title is very special to you and you are the only one whom your kids will be calling "mommy".

Bottom Line: If you take a moment to really look at your situation, you will realize that you and your child are blessed with someone who will make your life easier and make your child feel even more loved and secure than she already does. Count your blessings and give your MIL some slack. Good luck!