FIL Is Trying To Take Deceased Son's Place As Daddy

Dear Expert Mom,

My (biological) father-in-law, "Joe" is driving me crazy. He's always trying to take place as daddy to my four year old. But he isn't! He's GRANDdaddy!

The situation is because my hubby died in a car accident two years ago. I am re-married right now to "Mark", but "Joe" just doesn't seem to understand! Whenever "Mark" is at work he comes rushing to my house calling for "his daughter". Even she calls him Daddy. He is not and I must let him realize that! He always ignores the fact that there IS daddy, even if "Mark" might not be her biological one. But stepdaddy can be a real father figure. "Joe" doesn't realise that. He keeps bringing up how his son died, blah blah blah, he can be dad now. There IS dad right now. And that's "Mark".

How do I confront him and show that "Mark" is daddy, he isn't, and he's just a grandparent, and no more?

-Frustrated

Dear Frustrated;

What a sad situation. I can imagine nothing more painful than outliving your child. I am not a psychologist, but it seems pretty clear that Grandpa is still grieving the loss of his son, and is clinging to all that he has left of him, which is your daughter. It sounds like he is also having a difficult time seeing a new man, Mark, take his son's place, so he is trying to undermine him by stepping in as your daughter's father and keeping his son's memory alive.

The problem is, the way that your FIL is choosing to deal with his grief is harmful to everyone involved, especially your four year old daughter. How confusing it must be for her to lose her dad, get a new dad, and then have Grandpa calling himself "Daddy", all at such a young age. What's more, your FIL is blocking her from forming a loving father-daughter relationship with Mark, who is the one who should be stepping in as Daddy, not your FIL.

I would suggest that you take your FIL aside, and have a long talk with him. Start by asking him how he is doing these days with dealing with the loss of his son. Then gently but firmly explain tell him that you are glad that your daughter still has him in her life, and that he will always be welcome in your family, as long as he realizes that his place in it is as her grandfather, and that he must respect Mark's place in her life. I would also gently suggest that he speak to a professional therapist to help him deal with his grief over the loss of his son and his anger at seeing Mark take his son's place as a husband to you and father to your daughter.

I am almost never against keeping a child and grandparents apart, but in this case, if your FIL cannot respect your boundaries and continues to confuse your daughter, I would tell him that his visits with her are going to be limited and will only occur when Mark is home, until she has had time to build a solid relationship with her new father and is old enough to understand that your FIL is "grandpa", and not "daddy".

Bottom Line: Even if you did not remarry, your FIL's place in your daughter's life is, was and always will be "grandpa", not "daddy". Your daughter should not have to deal with Grandpa's emotional struggles in this manner, and it is up to you to put a stop to it immediately. Good luck.

~Expert Mom