I Think My Teen Drove While Intoxicated

Dear Expert Mom,

My 18 year old son has been driving for a year. We let him use our car, we give him a curfew, and we have told him that under no circumstances is he to drink while driving.

The other night, he went out to a party. When he came home he was chewing a wad of gum, he said he was tired and headed straight for his room. I think he was avoiding kissing me goodnight and talking to me so that I would not smell alcohol on his breath. Later that night, I heard him throwing up in the bathroom. When I asked what was wrong, he said that he ate too much at the party.

My husband and I are convinced that he was drinking, and we confronted him, but he denied it. Now we don't know what to do because we have no proof.

My question is, should we punish him anyway?

-Unsure in Albuquerque, NM

Dear Unsure,

This is a tough one, since punishing your teen for something that he did not do would cause huge resentment on your son's part; however, failing to punish him for something as dangerous as drunk driving would be even worse.

I say, follow your intuition. You know your son. If he usually talks to you and kisses you goodnight but did not do so this time, something was probably amiss. Combine that with the gum chewing and the vomiting, and it sounds like your hunch is probably right. I don't know about you, but I don't remember a whole lot of food being served at the parties that I went to when I was eighteen. I would suggest asking him what he "ate" that made him sick. Then a few hours later or the next day, ask him again. If he is lying, his story may change.

Here are some signs that you can look for to tell if your son is not being truthful - they are recognized by experts as indications that someone is lying:

- If your teen either avoids looking at you when telling you a story, or looks at you too long without blinking, this is an indication that he/she may be lying. People tend not to look at the person they are lying to in the eye when lying, unless they know this fact and then they tend to look at you for too long.

- If you talk to your teen on a regular basis, you'll see a deviation in how he/she behaves while communicating to you during a lie.

-Many times when a person lies, they look down. When a person tells you what happened and it’s the truth, they tend to look up and ‘see’ the event happening as it did. But when someone is using their creativity to ‘make up’ what happened, they look down.

-People who are lying fidget. But this is also a sign of stress, so don’t go by this alone. Ask to check up on the story.

-People who are lying touch their face and mouth. This type of body language is something that happens often when someone is lying. It isn’t easy to pick up until you know to look for it.

-Teens who are lying avoid details, or have well practiced details, and change the story in the second telling. Again, this doesn’t happen as often with highly intelligent teens. Ask to check up on the story and see how he she reacts.

-There will be a pause when you ask for details. It’s time for the teen to make something up.

-When someone lies, they get defensive and will not be happy if you chose to check-up on their story. When a teen is not lying, they offer ways for you to check up by giving you the phone numbers or names you need. They may be a little insulted, but they aren’t defensive. Being defensive and pitching a fit when asked to help you check the story is a sure sign something is amiss and the teen is lying.

-Taken from Mark Hutton of "Online Parenting Coach"

If you are still unsure, then I would say give your son a good long talking to about the dangers of drunk driving, and I would make him watch this very powerful 4 minute video that shows not only the victim of a drunk driving incident (whom you may have seen on Oprah), but also the driver who was a teen football star one minute, and a convict the next after driving while intoxicated: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OBBqe6Wo1c.

Lastly, I would give your son a reduced sentence, just in case he is telling the truth. The punishment should reflect your concern and your need to keep closer tabs on your son to be sure he is not behaving in a reckless manner. Shorten his curfew for a while and institute a strict rule that he must talk to you for a few minutes and kiss you goodnight when he comes home.

Bottom Line: You do not want to punish your son for something he did not do, but if your mommy (and daddy) intuition is telling you something is wrong, it is usually right. If it walks like a drunk duck and vomits like a drunk duck, chances are, it's a drunk duck! Good luck!

~Expert Mom