I Want To Adopt But My Husband Doesn't

Dear Expert Mom,

My husband and I have two beautiful little boys, ages 3 and 5. We have always agreed that we wanted 3 or 4 kids. However, we had many complications with my pregnancies in the past, including three miscarriages, and although I was able to get pregnant very quickly in the past, we have tried for the last two years with no luck.

We have visited a fertility specialist, who cannot find a problem with either my husband or myself. His theory is that my age (I am almost 40) and/or scarring from previous C-sections may be making it difficult for me to conceive. He has offered us the option of fertility treatments, but I do not want to go that route. I do not want to have to suffer through all of those injections, or put all of those drugs into my body, plus pay thousands of dollars when it may not work anyway. Plus, if it did work, we would be risking having multiple births at once, and I don't want to be the next "Octomom".

I really feel with all of my heart that our family is not complete, that there is another baby out there waiting for us. I now feel that this baby was meant to come to us through adoption. I have no doubt in my mind that I would love an adopted baby every bit as much as I love my biological sons. My husband, however, who wanted a big family even more than me, refuses to even consider the idea. He says that he does not want a baby that is not his, and we just have to thank God for the two that we were blessed with. He will not even discuss it with me.

My husband is a generous, loving, caring man, who is wonderful with kids and an unbelievable dad to our sons. I know without a doubt, even if he doesn't, that he would instantly fall in love with any baby that we adopted.

I desperately want another child. How do I make him come around and say "yes" to adopting a baby?

-Jenny in Montreal, Canada

Dear Jenny,

You are not alone. There are many moms who write to me with the same problem. Women have the ability to instantly open their heart to children that are not their own, and they know this about themselves. Men, however, have this same ability, but are often too scared to realize it.

Unfortunately, the decision to have another child is one that both you and your husband must agree on 100%, whether that child is to be conceived or adopted. The adoption process is a long and difficult one, and if you are not both on board you will have a very difficult journey. Plus, you do not want to bring a baby into a home where it is not wanted by one of the parents.

I would suggest trying to calmly talk to your husband. Ask him for specific reasons why he does not want to adopt. Is he only afraid that he will not connect with and adopted child, or is there something more? Is he afraid of the expense of adopting? Is he afraid to have a child of a different nationality? Is he afraid he will have to travel to another country? Are there concerns about possible health problems of an adopted baby?

Once you find out his concerns, I would tell him that you will respect his decision, but that this is very important to you, and since this is something that will affect both of you for the rest of your lives, he needs to at least hear you out. Tell him that you would like the opportunity to do some research and gather all of the information about adoption before you put this matter to rest.

Then, do your homework. Search the internet for other moms who have adopted and can discuss their experiences with you. Visit an adoption agency, and discuss your husband's concerns. Ask for videos that you can show your husband, or names of families that have adopted that would be willing to share their stories with you.

Men tend to come around much more slowly than women, so I would not bombard your husband all at once. I would just tell him you are going to do some research for your own peace of mind, and then let it drop for a couple of weeks while you gather your facts. Then, in a calm manner, present your information, including pictures or videos, to your husband.

Your husband may not come around right away. Give it some time, and don't turn this into something that he feels you are "nagging" him about. Just mention it from time to time. Hopefully, if he does not feel pressured, he may slowly start to consider the idea. But, if he doesn't, than you must respect that too, and you have to let it go.

If you had no children and your husband refused to adopt, then that would be a different situation, and you would have to think about whether you could be happy remaining in a childless marriage. However, that is not the case here. The two of you have been fortunate enough to have two beautiful children, and you do not want to become so consumed with convincing your husband to adopt that you miss out on this precious time with the children that you do have.

Bottom Line: Your husband may be wrong about his ability to love an adopted child. but it is still not something that you can force on him. Give it your best shot to change his mind, but if you can't, then move on. You definitely don't want to ruin your marriage and the family that you have been blessed with over this. Good luck!

~Expert Mom