My Husband Won't Stand Up For Me To His Family

Dear Expert Mom,

My husband John and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have two girls, ages 7 and 4. I got pregnant while we were dating. We had been together for 3 years at that point and were planning on getting engaged in the near future, but then the pregnancy speeded things up. We were in love and did not care, and to this day we are very happy and very much in love, and we wouldn't change a thing.

The problem is his family. His two sisters and his mother were embarrassed by the pregnancy (his dad is O.K.), and even accused me of getting pregnant on purpose so that John would have to marry me! I have tried over the years to get along with his family for his sake and the sake of my children, but they are really horrible to me, to the point where my girls are starting to notice it, which it the final straw for me.

Some examples of the things that they say to me: their nickname for me is Jezebel - they'll say "here comes John and Jezebel". I recently lost 25 pounds, but instead of complimenting me my one sister in law said "your face looks weird, I think I liked you better fat." The other one said "better keep that weight off before my brother comes to his senses and finds a girlfriend." My MIL always makes comments at family parties about how her Johnny "was going places, until he met that one."

These comments really hurt my feelings, but I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. However, I have spoken to my husband about it and asked him to say something to them, but he won't. His family is very non-confrontational with each other - they never argue about anything. He is not used to confronting them, and won't do it even for me, which is making me resent him a little. I don't want his family to be an issue that comes between us, but I can't help feeling that he should stand up for me.

The other day, my seven year old asked me why grandma and Aunt Jody and Aunt Becca are so mean to me. It made me realize that I need to put a stop to this. I am a role model for my girls and can not let them see their mother being treated this way.

What can I do to stop this and still keep peace in the family?

-Had Enough in Boston


Dear Had;

Your situation is not uncommon, including the part about your husband refusing to stand up to his family for his wife's sake. That is one that I will never understand, but then again I come from a family where all of our grievances were aired immediately and loudly, so maybe I just don't understand the peaceful family dynamic.

However, since your in laws are treating you so badly that even your children notice it, I agree that you must put a stop to this immediately. So, it looks like you have to handle this one on your own. Face to face confrontation is never easy, and some people get hostile and defensive when they feel like they are being attacked, and the situation just escalates. My suggestion would be to write a letter or an email to all three. Keep your tone neutral rather than accusatory. Simply tell them that you want to be a part of the family, and you want your girls to know their aunts and grandmother, but that they hurt your feelings and make your girls sad and confused when they treat you badly. Give a few specific examples. Tell them that perhaps this is their way of kidding around, but to you and your girls it is hurtful, and you would appreciate it if it would stop.

If your in laws have a shred of decency, your letter should end the problem. However, if it does not, that I would tell your husband that he either must handle the situation, or your visits with his family are going to become very limited, if not nonexistent.

Bottom Line: I rarely suggest any solution that involves disowning family members, but there is no way I would let my little girls see me abused by family members while I say nothing and Daddy just watches. Not only would it be sad, but it is not healthy for your girls to see a family interacting in such a hostile manner. Good luck.

~Expert Mom