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Dear Expert Mom,
My husband Jake and I have been married for two years. We have been trying to conceive a child of our own together, but no luck yet.
Jake has a 5 year old son, Josh, from a previous marriage. Josh's mom has him during the week, but we have him every weekend. I like Josh - he is a sweet, polite boy, but I think having him every weekend is a bit much. My husband and I both work all week, and I feel like I should be able to have some time alone with him on the weekends, or at least every other weekend. I have asked my husband to alternate weekends so that we can enjoy our time as a couple, but he refuses, saying that he needs to see his son. I think that he should devote an equal amount of time to his wife and marriage that he does to his relationship with his son.
What can I do to make him realize that I count too?
-Feeling Neglected In San Jose
Dear Neglected;
Your problem is not all that unusual. All couples who have a child long for more alone time together. The difference is, they usually don't resent the child or each other over their situation.
You obviously do not feel the emotional attachment to Josh that his father does, and that is understandable. However, you must try to put yourself in their shoes. Father and son have been ripped apart by divorce, and they get to see each other only 2 out of every 7 days. Can you imagine being five years old and not seeing your dad for five straight days? Not waking up to him in the morning? Not having dinner with him and telling him about your day? Not having him there to tuck you into bed at night? And if they alternated weekends, as you suggested, then that 5 year old child would have to go twelve days without seeing his father - a lifetime to a little boy who just misses his dad. It also won't be easy on your husband - would you want to go almost two weeks without your child if the situation were reversed?
Instead of welcoming your stepson into your life, it seems as though you are competing with him for his father's attention, and asking your husband to choose between you and his son. Not only is that unfair to your husband, but you can not win either way. Either your husband will choose his son (as any father should), or he will choose you, but who wants the type of man who would turn his back on his son for, no offense, a jealous new wife?
What I suggest is that you find a way to accept that this is your life - you married a man who has a son, and that son is a permanent weekend fixture in your world now. Your best bet is to make an effort to bond with Josh. Spend some alone time with him on the weekends - maybe take him out for an ice cream or go to a bookstore or a movie - without dad. Get to know him better, and I have a feeling that eventually you will begin to look forward to his weekend visits and even miss him when he is gone, especially if things do not work out for you the way you planned in the baby department.
If you do not find a way to accept Josh, then when you do have a baby of your own, you will resent Josh's presence even more as an intrusion into what you perceive as your "family" time, and nobody will be happy. Try to get into the mindset from now that Josh will biologically and emotionally be a big brother to your little one - something that can be wonderful for everyone involved, including you and your baby, if you allow Josh have the place in your family that he deserves.
Bottom Line: Both your husband and his little boy have been through enough. Thank your lucky stars that you are married to a man who is so loyal to his son and takes his responsibilities as a father seriously. Find a way to accept and welcome Josh into your life, or you will cause him further emotional injury, make yourself miserable and possibly ruin your marriage. Good luck.
~Expert Mom
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This thread was very helpful to me as I'm going through the same thing. Thanks to both of you.
ReplyDeleteI disagree.
ReplyDeleteIt is clear from the tone of this letter that this woman is rational, sensitive and understands that her stepson is part of her life.
Her desire to have weekend time w/her spouse is absolutely sensible and her husband is being deaf to her needs and those of their partnership.
My husband has a daughter who is w/us from Saturday night to Sunday night/sometimes Monday morning. It is what it is. I don't call myself her stepmother nor do I refer to her as my stepchild. She is my husband's daughter and to her I am her Dad's wife. We have a nice relationship, but I am not overly involved when she is over. She is not my child and it is my obligation to respect and be nice to her, not to love her nor be involved in her upbringing. She has a responsible Mom and Dad.
I CAN'T stand it when all these steparenting blogs make it a moral imperative to super bond w/stepchildren as a "solution" to the challenges these children present to the marital relationship.
Amicability and respect is essential, love is not.
Just as a second spouse understands that a child is part of the package, the parent needs to understand their spouse has needs and IS NOT obligated to feel love for the kid. The biological parent needs also to understand that this second marriage comes with a different dynamic as well and that the spouse needs to be treated differently than would the child's biological parent.
"Feeling Neglected in SJ" has every reason to feel neglected. She's offering an alternative arrangement, but the husband doesn't budge. Want to see the kid more? Have him/her one night over the weekend, or the full weekend on alternate weeks AND visit him/her maybe once during the week.
I know the original post is old, but the response got me really upset. Again, I can't stand the holier than thou, unrealistic non solutions they offer to reasonable steparents such as a neglected in sj.