How Do I Explain To My Child Why His Drug Addicted Father Abandoned Him?

Dear EM,

I am a single mother of a wonderful two year old little boy. I have made some mistakes in my life, and got mixed up with my baby's father when I was very young. His father was an abusive drug addict. We split up soon after I told him that I was pregnant. He has never made any effort to contact me or his baby since, which is for the best. From what I hear, he has not changed and continues to be a heavy drug user. The best thing to come out of that relationship was my son.

My problem is that as my son is getting older, I am worried that he will soon start asking me why he does not have a Daddy like his friends, where is Daddy, and does Daddy love him. What can I tell him that will not scare him or break his little heart? Should I lie and tell him that his father is dead so that he does not have to dwell on this loser for the rest of his life?

-Single Mom in London

Dear Single Mom,

First of all, congratulations to you for raising your son on your own. The only job harder than being a mom is being a single mom, so my hat is off to you. As for what to tell your son, I would strongly recommend that you do not lie to him and tell him Daddy is dead. If he finds out the truth someday, he may resent you for depriving him of the chance to find his father. I know that is not something that you would want him to do, but when he is of age that is a decision that he is entitled to make, and even if he never found him he may not forgive you if you deprive him of that chance.

So what do you tell him? It should be something that is based in honesty, is not scary, and is something that he can (and will) repeat in front of family, strangers, and to friends who ask him about his Dad. Your tone should be neutral - not sad, but more matter-of-fact. Don't bash his father, but don't create a fictional hero to idolize either. Most of all, it should convey loud and clear that his father leaving had absolutely NOTHING to do with him, and that mommy will never leave.

You know your son, so you will have to come up with the words that he will be able to accept, but I would suggest incorporating things like:

-"There are all different kinds of families - some have mommies and daddies, some have just mommies, some have just daddies. We are SO lucky because we get to be each other's family."

-"Your father had some problems in his life that mommy could not help him with, and he did not think that he would be able to be a good daddy and take care of us, so he left to try to take care of himself." If he asks what type of problems, for now I would just say "he had 'big people' problems that had nothing to do with us. You'll understand when you are older."

As for the question of "Didn't daddy love me?" I would respond with something like:

-"I am sure that if he knew you, he would love you very much and be so proud of you, but he never met you. He left before you were born."

I would be sure to tell him that mommy will never have the type of problems that daddy had, and no matter what happens you will never, ever leave him.

As your son gets older, if he continues to be curious about his father you can begin telling him that his father made bad decisions and got mixed up with drugs, and because of this his father was not able to realize how wonderful it would be to have a child. But for now, I would keep it vague - drug addiction is too much for a two year old to handle and not something you want him repeating.

Bottom Line: The words that you say are important, but equally important is how you say them. Be sure not to make it seem like you and your son are victims, but rather, that you are a strong family that got dealt a little bit of bad luck and moved on. Good luck!

~EM