My Baby Likes Her Care Giver More Than Me!

Dear EM,

I am a working mom. My daughter, Kaylee, is 9 months old. I am embarrassed to even say this, but I am starting to get jealous of my daughter's child care provider, and I don't know what to do.

After I had Kaylee, I stayed home on maternity leave for 3 months. During that time, I was her whole world, and I really felt like we developed a special bond. After three months, I had to return to work, and I started leaving Kaylee with a wonderful woman, "Joan", who watches Kaylee at her house for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

When I first started leaving Kaylee with Joan, Kaylee would cry when I handed her off. Now, six months later, she cries when Joan hands her to me at the end of the day. She reaches for Joan and does not even want to come with me. Once we are home she is fine, but we don't have much time together before she goes to bed.

I am glad that she feels so comfortable and happy with the person that cares for her during the week, but in my heart I am afraid that maybe she has a closer bond with Joan than me; maybe she thinks of Joan as her mother?

I can't afford to quit my job and stay home with Kaylee. Am I being selfish for resenting the person who obviously takes such great care of my child?

-Feeling Left Out in Garden City

Dear Left Out,

Many working moms go through the same experience that you are now dealing with. They want a loving, caring person to watch over their children, but then feel left out when their child responds to their care giver's affections.

Rest assured, you have nothing to worry about. Your child may be growing attached to the person that she spends the most time with right now, but at the end of the day, she knows who her mommy is. This will become more clear to you as she gets older and is better able to express herself. It is then that you will realize and be happy that your daughter is capable of having special, loving relationships with different people in her life, but that these relationships will not and can not take the place of the mother-daughter relationship that the two of you share.

For now, try to make the little bit of time that you do have with her really count, so that the two of you can keep your own special bond strong. Try starting some rituals with her that she can associate with "mommy". For example, make sure that you are the one to wake her up in the morning, and sing a little wake up song to her each day. Spend some quality time playing in the bathtub; sit her on your lap and read to her every night before bed; sing a goodnight song to her. These things will become special rituals to both of you, and will help you to feel the bond between you and your daughter.

One last suggestion: you said that you could not afford to quit your job. Have you considered trying to work out a flex schedule, where you could go in earlier and leave earlier? Or perhaps you could work from home one or more days a week with a helper in your house to take care of the baby? Just things to think about.

Bottom Line: Try to take comfort in the knowledge that someone is providing your child with a safe, loving environment when you can not be there, and never think for one minute that your daughter is confused about who her mommy is, because she is not! Good luck!

~EM