Intruders Leave Mom Feeling Weak And Embarrassed

Dear Lauren,

I'm a 32-year-old mom, two daughters 14 and 11. We are very much alike: athletic, intelligent, attractive, blond, Twins fans etc. etc. etc. I've stressed independence, toughness and a never give up attitude.

The three of us came home from the mall a few evenings ago and walked in on a couple (man and woman) who were burglarizing our house. It was a Tuesday, the one night my husband works late, and we were in no position to run back out. The man grabbed my 14-year-old's arm and she began punching him with her free fist, not very effectively. I stopped her, told them to take what they want but not to hurt us. The woman said she had a gun in her purse - though we never saw it - and demanded money, ATM card, pin. I was naturally frightened and complied. They then produced two rolls of duct tape, bound our arms behind our backs, taped our legs and mouths and left us on the bathroom floor, door closed. When we were sure they had left we tried getting loose but we were wrapped very tightly, couldn't break free and had to wait several hours until my husband came home and found us.

Obviously with our mouths taped we couldn't converse during the time we were bound up but neither of my daughters cried and I lay there feeling like an utter, utter failure. Embarrassed more than scared! After we were freed my older daughter said rather flippantly, "Mom, we could have taken them!" I didn't respond, hugs followed and life has begun to go on but that comment haunts me: my daughters watched as independent, brave Mom meekly allowed a couple of strangers to totally bind us up.

Is there anyway I can regain my sense of dignity and demonstrate to my kids that I really am the tough woman I want them to emulate? I don't want, in their eyes to be forever


-Tied Up

Dear Tied Up,

You did exactly the right thing. Your children are at the age where they think they are invincible, that there is nothing that they can't do, and they can take on the world. They have not yet been exposed to the horrors of real life, but you have. You had no way of knowing whether or not your intruders were armed and/or violent. You did not know whether a struggle would end with one or all of you hurt or killed. It was basically you against 2 adults that you already knew were criminals, plus you had the added handicap of having to protect your two children during any struggle that may have ensued.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! YOU PROTECTED YOUR FAMILY!!!

The best thing that you can do now is to explain to your daughters why you made the decision that you made, and have your husband back you in this conversation. Let them know that you did not cower, but rather, made the safest and smartest choice that you could to protect them. If they can not understand it now, they will when they are older, especially when they become moms themselves.

In the meantime, you have suffered a very traumatic event, and may need to seek outside support or counseling to help you through this. A support group of others who have been similarly violated will help you to understand and work through the emotions of fear and shame that you are currently experiencing. I urge you to speak to your doctor and look online to find out where you can locate such help. I ask that you to search my archives (located on the bottom right corner of this page) for my column dated August 4, 2009 entitled "Mom Shaken After Assault", where another reader wrote in with a letter almost identical to yours, to see that you are not alone in how this terrible event has effected you.

Bottom Line: You had a terrifying split second to decide how to best protect your daughters from likely violent criminals, and you made the right decision. Be proud of yourself, and I guaranty that when your daughter mature, they will be too. Good luck!

~Lauren