Stepson is Exhibiting Very Aggressive Behavior

Dear Lauren,

Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm asking on behalf of a couple I know. They each have a child from a previous marriage and are trying to make a new family and the kids get along with each other and for the most part respect the parents.

She and her husband are worried about the son from his previous marriage though. He's three years old, he only spends every other weekend with them and he's developing some bad habits. He's started to bite, scream, kick, hit, and flip them off. They're not sure if this is something he's learning from other kids in preschool, if this is a normal stage, or if this is because of emotional abuse from the child's mother.

The ex wife is emotionally and verbally abusive to the child's father. That's why they think it's possible she's abusive to the child, as of yet they haven't seen signs of physical abuse. His mom is non cooperative and blames the father, wife, and the other son for her child's behavior. They are currently trying to have the court order a psychiatric evaluation for his mom.

Is the child's behavior a warning sign or is the behavior more consistent with other young kids? The other child does not behave like this. He does not hit, or bite, he is not violent. He does pout and he gets upset but it's very different. There is such a sharp contrast in behavior, but then again no two children are the same and so they are wondering if they should be concerned.

How can they handle this behavior and help him at the same time? How do they discipline him and try to figure out if there is abuse in his life? They are also concerned over something the mom has said; she claims she cannot function without her little boy around, that she can't walk, eat, and that she gets very depressed without him. Is this another warning sign?

-M

Dear M,

It is not unheard of for some three year olds to express their emotions through screaming, kicking and biting, especially when there is emotional turbulence in their life, which is clearly present here.  However, it is important to understand exactly what is bothering this little boy, to teach him in a firm but gentle manner that this type of behavior is not acceptable, and to teach him how to deal with and express his emotions in a more acceptable manner.

You mentioned concern that he may be learning this behavior from school.  I would start there.  His father should schedule an appointment with his son's teacher to find out how his son is acting in class.  If he is behaving, that is a very good sign that he is able to control himself if he puts his mind to it.  She can also give him insight into whether his behavior is consistent with the other children his age, and whether his classmates are teaching him inappropriate behavior.

I am also a fan of visiting the pediatrician when a child's behavior takes a sharp detour, just to make sure there is no underlying physical cause.  A good pediatrician can also offer advice as to how to handle such behavior, and whether or not professional counseling may be in order. 

Since it seems that this child is living with an emotionally unstable mother and parental abuse is suspected, I would think that professional counseling would be a good idea to try to find out what is going on at home, and would ask the pediatrician for a referral.  If the biological mother would be agreeable to therapy, family counseling with the biological parents (and possibly even the step mom) would also be beneficial here, especially since this child spends most of his time with his biological mom.

The father may also consider calling the local child protective services agency or department of human services if he truly believes that his child is being physically abused.

Lastly, I direct you to this excellent article, which discusses behavior in young children such as you have described, and offers helpful suggestions on how to deal with this problem: http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Aggressive-Behavior-in-Young-Children.php#

Bottom Line:  This little boy is in a situation that would be upsetting even for an adult, and he is not old enough to understand and/or express his emotions.  Try to find out what the underlying causes of his stress and unhappiness are, and then you can go forward and try to help him deal with the situation in a healthier and more acceptable manner.  Good luck.

~Lauren