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Here is one of my all-time favorite quotes. It is one that I am sure most moms, wives, girlfriends, sisters, basically any woman, can relate to:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Have a great weekend!
~Expert Mom
Mar 5, 2010
Mar 4, 2010
Do I Have To Make My Future Stepdaughter My Maid Of Honor?
Dear Expert Mom,
I am hoping that you can help me. My boyfriend "Bob" recently asked me to marry him. This will be the second time around for both of us. We both have daughters from our previous marriages. My daughter, "April" is 17 and his daughter "Dawn" is 15. Our daughters do not like each other, nor does his daughter Dawn seem to care much for me. If anything, she acts like she can barely tolerate me. Luckily, her mother has custody, but she will be spending weekends and some holidays with us.
I have asked my daughter to be my maid of honor. The problem is, Bob feels very strongly that I should also ask his daughter to be co-maid of honor. I am fine letting her be a bridesmaid, but why should I have to ruin this special day for me and my daughter by giving this position of honor to someone who clearly does not want to be around either one of us?
Am I wrong to want everything to be perfect on my big day?
-Bride To Be In Beech Grove Indiana
Dear Bride,
No offense, but the word "Bridezilla" is echoing in my head. You need to take a moment to re-read your own words: you refer to your wedding as a "special day for me and my daughter" and "my big day". What about Bob? This day is about you and him, not you and your daughter. And since it is about you and Bob, then it is natural that you both want to include the person who is most important to you in a special way. For both of you, that person is each of your daughters.
It does not matter that your teenage daughters don't get along at the moment, or that a 15 year old is having a hard time accepting her father's future wife. It is time for you to grow up and be the bigger person here. Realize how hard this must be for your future stepdaughter to see someone taking her mom's place beside her father.
Instead of making things worse by acting like your daughter is more important than Bob's, include his daughter equally and make her feel special. Whether she is a bridesmaid or a maid of honor, she will still be a member of the wedding party, she will still be standing a few feet from you at the alter, and she will still be in all of the pictures. So is it really worth tearing this new family apart before you are even joined together by quibbling over her title of maid of honor vs. bridesmaid?
Explain to your daughter that in your heart she is your true maid of honor, but that you are forming a new family and must make and effort to include Bob's daughter. This experience may even make it easier for your daughters to bond, and when Dawn is older, she will appreciate your loving gesture, even if she is too immature to do so now.
As an aside, has Bob considered making Dawn his best man? Gender no longer seems to play a role for the person that will stand up for you at your wedding. Bob can certainly make his daughter his "Best Woman" or "Best Maid".
Bottom Line: What is important at the end of your wedding day is that you and your man will be married. Keep the peace, think of this as a gift to your future husband, and include his daughter as if she were your own. Good luck!
~Expert Mom
I am hoping that you can help me. My boyfriend "Bob" recently asked me to marry him. This will be the second time around for both of us. We both have daughters from our previous marriages. My daughter, "April" is 17 and his daughter "Dawn" is 15. Our daughters do not like each other, nor does his daughter Dawn seem to care much for me. If anything, she acts like she can barely tolerate me. Luckily, her mother has custody, but she will be spending weekends and some holidays with us.
I have asked my daughter to be my maid of honor. The problem is, Bob feels very strongly that I should also ask his daughter to be co-maid of honor. I am fine letting her be a bridesmaid, but why should I have to ruin this special day for me and my daughter by giving this position of honor to someone who clearly does not want to be around either one of us?
Am I wrong to want everything to be perfect on my big day?
-Bride To Be In Beech Grove Indiana
Dear Bride,
No offense, but the word "Bridezilla" is echoing in my head. You need to take a moment to re-read your own words: you refer to your wedding as a "special day for me and my daughter" and "my big day". What about Bob? This day is about you and him, not you and your daughter. And since it is about you and Bob, then it is natural that you both want to include the person who is most important to you in a special way. For both of you, that person is each of your daughters.
It does not matter that your teenage daughters don't get along at the moment, or that a 15 year old is having a hard time accepting her father's future wife. It is time for you to grow up and be the bigger person here. Realize how hard this must be for your future stepdaughter to see someone taking her mom's place beside her father.
Instead of making things worse by acting like your daughter is more important than Bob's, include his daughter equally and make her feel special. Whether she is a bridesmaid or a maid of honor, she will still be a member of the wedding party, she will still be standing a few feet from you at the alter, and she will still be in all of the pictures. So is it really worth tearing this new family apart before you are even joined together by quibbling over her title of maid of honor vs. bridesmaid?
Explain to your daughter that in your heart she is your true maid of honor, but that you are forming a new family and must make and effort to include Bob's daughter. This experience may even make it easier for your daughters to bond, and when Dawn is older, she will appreciate your loving gesture, even if she is too immature to do so now.
As an aside, has Bob considered making Dawn his best man? Gender no longer seems to play a role for the person that will stand up for you at your wedding. Bob can certainly make his daughter his "Best Woman" or "Best Maid".
Bottom Line: What is important at the end of your wedding day is that you and your man will be married. Keep the peace, think of this as a gift to your future husband, and include his daughter as if she were your own. Good luck!
~Expert Mom
Mar 3, 2010
Is My Son's Friend Being Abused?
Dear Expert Mom,
While I was dropping my son off at kindergarten the other day, I noticed that his friend, "Sam", had a black eye. When I asked him what happened, he told me that he was talking too loudly while his older brother (who is in 6th grade) was watching t.v., so his brother grabbed him by the throat and punched him in the eye! I was stunned, and did not know what to say. I am worried that Sam may be in an unsafe environment. Do I call his parents? Call social services? What should I do to help him?
-Concerned Parent in Maui
Dear Concerned,
That does sound like pretty violent behavior for a twelve year old. My concern is whether there is an abusive parent in the house from whom he is learning this behavior. Of course, Sam is only in kindergarten, and may have embellished what was actually an accident or normal brotherly rough-housing that went awry (although his big brother should be taking it easy on him due to the age difference).
I do not know if Sam's parents would appreciate another parent calling them and meddling in their business. I would start with the teacher and/or principal. Tell them what you observed and what Sam told you, and ask them to follow-up with Sam's parents to find out what really happened. Perhaps this was a one-time occurrence and Sam's brother has been punished.
If the school refuses to get involved, then you have to decide whether you want to contact social services. If Sam had told you that a parent did this to him, then I would make a call immediately. But since he said it was his brother (and hopefully he is not covering for someone else), I personally would wait and see if it happens again. Make an effort to talk to him, ask how his weekend was, etc. If something is not right, you will probably pick up on it from Sam, and then you can get further involved.
Bottom Line: It is commendable to try to protect a child that you think is in trouble. However, it might be jumping the gun to ask social services to disrupt a family's life over something that was likely a case of bad sibling rivalry, and was probably already properly handled by the parents. Good luck!
~Expert Mom
While I was dropping my son off at kindergarten the other day, I noticed that his friend, "Sam", had a black eye. When I asked him what happened, he told me that he was talking too loudly while his older brother (who is in 6th grade) was watching t.v., so his brother grabbed him by the throat and punched him in the eye! I was stunned, and did not know what to say. I am worried that Sam may be in an unsafe environment. Do I call his parents? Call social services? What should I do to help him?
-Concerned Parent in Maui
Dear Concerned,
That does sound like pretty violent behavior for a twelve year old. My concern is whether there is an abusive parent in the house from whom he is learning this behavior. Of course, Sam is only in kindergarten, and may have embellished what was actually an accident or normal brotherly rough-housing that went awry (although his big brother should be taking it easy on him due to the age difference).
I do not know if Sam's parents would appreciate another parent calling them and meddling in their business. I would start with the teacher and/or principal. Tell them what you observed and what Sam told you, and ask them to follow-up with Sam's parents to find out what really happened. Perhaps this was a one-time occurrence and Sam's brother has been punished.
If the school refuses to get involved, then you have to decide whether you want to contact social services. If Sam had told you that a parent did this to him, then I would make a call immediately. But since he said it was his brother (and hopefully he is not covering for someone else), I personally would wait and see if it happens again. Make an effort to talk to him, ask how his weekend was, etc. If something is not right, you will probably pick up on it from Sam, and then you can get further involved.
Bottom Line: It is commendable to try to protect a child that you think is in trouble. However, it might be jumping the gun to ask social services to disrupt a family's life over something that was likely a case of bad sibling rivalry, and was probably already properly handled by the parents. Good luck!
~Expert Mom
Mar 2, 2010
Potty Mouth - And I Don't Mean The Kids!
Dear EM,
My husband and I have been friends with Paul and Cathy for over 15 years. We get together with our kids often, especially in the summer. The problem is, once Paul gets a few drinks in him, he tends to start cursing. This doesn't offend me personally, but I don't want my kids, who are both under the age of 10, to hear and/or repeat this type of language. What can I do to let Paul know we don't appreciate this type of talk in front of the kids?
-Tired of Potty Mouth in Des Moines
Dear Tired,
You can try playfully hinting that you don't appreciate his potty mouth by saying something like "Boy, I hope I don't get a note from the teacher next week telling me my kid said @*$% - if I do, I'll give her your number!" If that doesn't work, try a more straight forward approach, such as: "Let's try to take it easy on the four letter words - there are little ears around." If all else fails, start serving Paul lemonade - the virgin kind!
Bottom Line: If they are truly your friends, Paul will try to respect your wishes. If he can't, perhaps you should only see them when you have a babysitter. Good luck!
~Expert Mom
My husband and I have been friends with Paul and Cathy for over 15 years. We get together with our kids often, especially in the summer. The problem is, once Paul gets a few drinks in him, he tends to start cursing. This doesn't offend me personally, but I don't want my kids, who are both under the age of 10, to hear and/or repeat this type of language. What can I do to let Paul know we don't appreciate this type of talk in front of the kids?
-Tired of Potty Mouth in Des Moines
Dear Tired,
You can try playfully hinting that you don't appreciate his potty mouth by saying something like "Boy, I hope I don't get a note from the teacher next week telling me my kid said @*$% - if I do, I'll give her your number!" If that doesn't work, try a more straight forward approach, such as: "Let's try to take it easy on the four letter words - there are little ears around." If all else fails, start serving Paul lemonade - the virgin kind!
Bottom Line: If they are truly your friends, Paul will try to respect your wishes. If he can't, perhaps you should only see them when you have a babysitter. Good luck!
~Expert Mom
Mar 1, 2010
My MIL Thinks My Daughter Is Hers
Dear Expert Mom,
My MIL is really starting to upset me. I swear she thinks that my two year old daughter Chelsea is hers. When I was pregnant, before we even had Chelsea, my MIL converted a spare bedroom in her house into a completely over-the-top nursery. She painted the walls pastel colors, put up baby border, bought a fancy thousand dollar crib, baby furniture, stuffed animals, etc. The stuff that she bought was way more expensive than what we bought. I thought this was really creepy, and I was upset that she tried to outdo us, but I did not say anything.
When Chelsea was born, my MIL came by all the time. She bought her tons of fancy little dresses that were completely impractical, and huge stuffed animals that we had no room for. We tried to tell her that Chelsea had enough stuff and that we didn't have room for tons of toys and clothes, but she just wouldn't listen.
She insists on having Chelsea sleep over at least every other weekend, and says that she needs "alone time" with her "baby girl". This annoys me to no end - Chelsea is my baby girl, not hers! I have even caught her saying to Chelsea "come to mommy", referring to herself! I was so mortified I did not even know what to say!
Please tell me how to make her back-off. I do not want to end our relationship with her, but she needs to respect our boundaries.
-Desperate Daughter In Law In Columbus
Dear Desperate,
It seems that there are some boundaries that need to be set here, but overall, I think you are not seeing the forest for the trees. For every letter like yours that I get, I receive about a hundred others complaining that their MIL has no time at all for their kids. What you seem to be missing here is that your child is fortunate enough to have a very loving and generous grandmother who is ecstatic over having a grandaughter to spoil and love.
Don't worry about grandma outshining you with fancy furniture and gifts. She will never take the place of mommy. However, if you let her, she will be a cherished grandma who will build beautiful memories for your little girl. Your child is truly blessed. Plus, you have someone who is willing to let your daughter sleep over in what seems to be a child-friendly environment. Do you have any idea how many couples would kill for that? To have a completely kid-free night twice a month while a loving relative watches their child? Where do I sign up?
That being said, I do agree that your MIL calling herself "Mommy" is a bit too much. Depending on your MIL's personality, you can either handle it like a joke ("Sorry, 'Mommy' is already taken!" or "Did you carry her for nine months? No? Then I guess I must be 'Mommy'"), or sit her down and tell her that you love how much she loves your daughter, but you don't want to confuse your daughter by calling grandma "Mommy". If that doesn't work, tell her that she got to be "mommy" to her kids, and that title is very special to you and you are the only one whom your kids will be calling "mommy".
Bottom Line: If you take a moment to really look at your situation, you will realize that you and your child are blessed with someone who will make your life easier and make your child feel even more loved and secure than she already does. Count your blessings and give your MIL some slack. Good luck!
My MIL is really starting to upset me. I swear she thinks that my two year old daughter Chelsea is hers. When I was pregnant, before we even had Chelsea, my MIL converted a spare bedroom in her house into a completely over-the-top nursery. She painted the walls pastel colors, put up baby border, bought a fancy thousand dollar crib, baby furniture, stuffed animals, etc. The stuff that she bought was way more expensive than what we bought. I thought this was really creepy, and I was upset that she tried to outdo us, but I did not say anything.
When Chelsea was born, my MIL came by all the time. She bought her tons of fancy little dresses that were completely impractical, and huge stuffed animals that we had no room for. We tried to tell her that Chelsea had enough stuff and that we didn't have room for tons of toys and clothes, but she just wouldn't listen.
She insists on having Chelsea sleep over at least every other weekend, and says that she needs "alone time" with her "baby girl". This annoys me to no end - Chelsea is my baby girl, not hers! I have even caught her saying to Chelsea "come to mommy", referring to herself! I was so mortified I did not even know what to say!
Please tell me how to make her back-off. I do not want to end our relationship with her, but she needs to respect our boundaries.
-Desperate Daughter In Law In Columbus
Dear Desperate,
It seems that there are some boundaries that need to be set here, but overall, I think you are not seeing the forest for the trees. For every letter like yours that I get, I receive about a hundred others complaining that their MIL has no time at all for their kids. What you seem to be missing here is that your child is fortunate enough to have a very loving and generous grandmother who is ecstatic over having a grandaughter to spoil and love.
Don't worry about grandma outshining you with fancy furniture and gifts. She will never take the place of mommy. However, if you let her, she will be a cherished grandma who will build beautiful memories for your little girl. Your child is truly blessed. Plus, you have someone who is willing to let your daughter sleep over in what seems to be a child-friendly environment. Do you have any idea how many couples would kill for that? To have a completely kid-free night twice a month while a loving relative watches their child? Where do I sign up?
That being said, I do agree that your MIL calling herself "Mommy" is a bit too much. Depending on your MIL's personality, you can either handle it like a joke ("Sorry, 'Mommy' is already taken!" or "Did you carry her for nine months? No? Then I guess I must be 'Mommy'"), or sit her down and tell her that you love how much she loves your daughter, but you don't want to confuse your daughter by calling grandma "Mommy". If that doesn't work, tell her that she got to be "mommy" to her kids, and that title is very special to you and you are the only one whom your kids will be calling "mommy".
Bottom Line: If you take a moment to really look at your situation, you will realize that you and your child are blessed with someone who will make your life easier and make your child feel even more loved and secure than she already does. Count your blessings and give your MIL some slack. Good luck!
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