How Can I Stop Yelling At My Child?

Hi Lauren,

I am a single mom to a beautiful and smart 7yr old girl.  It's just me and her.  I have my parents that help with child care while I work full time and go to school part time.  Her father is not in the picture nor has he ever been.

 I often find myself getting angry, frustrated with her.  Then I get angry at myself for yelling.  Some things are justified others I feel like I get mad for no reason.  Any advice on how to have some patience and work on my anger?

Thanks.

-Don't Want To Be A Bad Mom

Dear Don't,

Between a full time job, school, and being a single mom, it sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate, and your outbursts may be directed at your daughter simply because she is the only one around for you to yell at when you are stressed.  You probably constantly rush to and from work, school and home, trying to maintain a household, do homework, and care for your daughter, with little or no time to care for yourself or take a break.  Anyone would be stressed in that situation.

I wonder, though, if you have given any thought to the stress your daughter is probably experiencing as well?  Seven can be a stressful age for kids under the best of circumstances.  I am guessing that she is in first or second grade, which is a difficult time of adjustment for kids.  For the first time in their lives they are really expected to behave responsibly in class, they are struggling to keep up with school work and homework, and are dealing with school rules, yelling teachers (even when teachers yell at other kids it is stressful for all of the kids in the class) and various social problems (bullying, cattiness, jealousy, sharing, etc.) with other kids at school every day.  Add to this the fact that your daughter probably gets to spend way less time with you than she (or you) really needs and wants, she does not have a dad, and she is alternately being raised by your parents, who may have one set of rules for her to try to deal with, and you with another set of rules for her to follow.  So I am guessing that you are not the only one that is stressed in your household, and perhaps your daughter is not always on her best behavior by the time she gets to see you each day.

Put all of this together, and I am guessing that neither of you is as happy as you could be.  So what do you do?  You have already taken the first steps, which are to realize that you have gotten into a bad habit of yelling, and seeking help to stop this behavior.  Like any bad habit, it will take conscious effort and hard work on your part to break it.  Am I saying that you are never going to yell at your child?  Of course not, nobody is that perfect of a parent, including myself.  But you can take the following steps to reduce the yelling and promote peace and calmness in your home, which will benefit both of you:

1.  It may sound cliche, but when you feel like yelling, take a deep breath and mentally count to 10 while reminding yourself that your daughter is just a kid.  That brief pause will help you to act without reacting in anger to whatever she has done wrong;

2.  Create a structured system in your home so that your daughter knows exactly what is expected of her.  For example, if you are constantly yelling at her for leaving her shoes and coat on the floor when she comes home, write a checklist for her to complete each day - i.e. Put shoes in closet, hang up coat, wash hands, etc.  You can put a gold star next to each day that she completes these tasks without being told, and 5 gold stars can mean a reward, like a trip to the bookstore, a favorite dessert, etc., which brings us to my next tip;

3.  Instead of yelling at your child for bad behavior, try rewarding good behavior.  For example, if getting your daughter to do her homework ends in yelling every night, try instead telling her that if she finishes her homework in a half hour, you will be able to do something special with her (like read a book, give her an extra long bubble bath, play a game with her, etc.);

4.  Try to take care of yourself to reduce your own stress levels. I know it's hard, but get as much sleep as possible (which greatly reduces stress), eat healthy and drink plenty of water, and try to exercise as much as your schedule will allow, either alone or with your daughter.  Walking, jogging, biking, dancing or any type of exercise with your daughter for even 20 minutes a day means will greatly reduce stress levels for both of you and give you quality time together; and

5.  Take 10 minutes to yourself before you see your daughter each day to take a breath and steady yourself.  Stop to get a cup of coffee, tea, hot chocolate (whatever soothes you) and sit in your car listening to music and unwinding for a few minutes before going home.  Close your eyes and take some slow, deep breathes, and stretch your neck and shoulders to relieve tension.

Your daughter is probably used to you yelling, and not only will the yelling lose its effect as a deterrent to bad behavior (which it probably already has), it will actually cause your child to become resentful and hurt and act out more.  Once you consistently cut down on the yelling for a period of time, I am guessing that your daughter will be happier and will give you even less reasons to yell at her.

Bottom Line:  Yelling is rarely effective, is detrimental to a child's self-esteem, and leaves us mothers riddled with guilt and feeling like the worst kind of bully.  Make a conscious effort to break the habit, and both you and your child will feel a lot better.  Good luck!

~Lauren