~ Mommy Advice Column ~

Dear Expert Mom, My issue is the same subject, ex...

2012-04-19T18:52:06.196-04:00

Dear Expert Mom,

My issue is the same subject, except my son is 4 months old now and my husband's family feel as if they can walk all over me and my family. His grandmother changed my son's name, which is Dione pronounced Deon spelled like my husband's dead mother's name. She tells me that my son is staying with her and when. His father pops up out the blue and says I'm in Ohio to see you, and completely throws off my plans for the day. And his father's girlfriend? Oh yeah, she just left a couple hours ago with my son as if I was supposed to know she was coming and know that they were staying away for a week (and get this) or TWO. I call him and he knows nothing about it, but doesn't even seem to be mad that he didn't get to say good bye to his first and only son. And he lets things like this happen. He WON'T say anything or do anything about it. WHY?????

I had felt this was happening to only me. But now...

2012-03-16T02:22:38.456-04:00

I had felt this was happening to only me. But now feel a lot better that there are many that have the same problems i have been running into. I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years with 2 children. There's been a lot of problems and he has cheated on me. I caught him sexting to a freakin 21 year old baby just out of hs and into college. My husband is 25 and im 29. He swore he wouldn't do again and I made him choose either me or that area she lives in(he has also sexted women in the same area). Couple months went by fine, and he gave me an indication that he was at it again, which he freakin is to that same 21 year old girl. I guess the email that I had sent her to back off and he was lying to her saying that im just the "Baby Mama" and were not together is bs. I guess 2 will have to now play this game and maybe get her to realize shes going to hurt her life that hasnt started yet if she keeps this up. As for him, unsure as how to approach him. He was diagnosed as Bipolar at 15 and was off his meds at 18 which was the wrong move by his mom and now cant get him to accept he needs help. Also needs help with anger mananagement but thats another subject. Any help I would appreciate it much. Thanks.

I've been married to my husband for almost 3 y...

2012-03-15T11:00:37.466-04:00

I've been married to my husband for almost 3 yrs now. I just found out that he has been sexting. I looked on the Tmobile website and saw 361 text messages between him and this other number so I texted the number and found out that it was a girl that he has been texting. I confronted him and of cours he denied it but finally admitted it after I told him that I spoke with her and saw her number on the website 361 times. He,just like all the others doesn't have a good reason for why he was doing this. Now, I am a pretty good looking woman and I have no problem giving him a piece of ass. Actually I want it more than he wants it. He is not a very sexual person and never has been. But he would rather act like he is through a text message with a complete stranger..Go figure??? I truly think that this must give the man some sort of power. Not sure but I still am very hurt and still expect that it will happen again. If it does he is out on the street because I would have no problem finding another man to love me.

Wow reading all of this makes me realize I'm n...

2012-02-07T20:14:32.686-05:00

Wow reading all of this makes me realize I'm not alone... I am 6 months pregnant now. When we first found out we were having our 2nd child, about 3 weeks later ON MY BIRTHDAY my husband starting texting/sexting a co-worker of his. We've been together over 10 years, married for 4. I found pitures on his phone of this girl posing in lingerie, one photo of her butt up close. I told him I wanted a divorce when I found out (I felt so betrayed), so the next day he texted her saying we were getting a divorce anyways, so it didn't matter that he texted her. I went onto the Verizon website, so I could see how many texts there were...hundreds within 3 days, and more on the 4th day AFTER he got caught. I could also see that picture texts were sent and received...He completely denied sending picture texts. So, about 4 months later I finally called the slut (she KNEW he was married and did not care), I called her to see what all happened, if they ever hooked up, and what pictures he sent to her. She said they never hooked up (simply because I found out RIGHT AWAY) and he sent her pictures of his penis. This has been the hardest time in my entire life. He's taken away the entire joy from my pregnancy. I was constantly stressed, since he lied about EVERYTHING, he could easily lie about them not talking anymore. I went to go see a therapist and she wanted to put me on antidepressants, but I won't, I don't want to cause any EXTRA hard to my baby. It is a long and tough road... All I can say to you girls is hang in there and know that you don't deserve it. I'm giving him ONE more chance, because I hate to break my family apart, but if anything like this ever happens again, I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER. It's awful to go through, but helpful to know you are not alone. Just keep checking up on him until you reach a level of trust that you can live with. I constantly check the verizon website to see who he's texting. I can't see WHAT he's texting, but I pretty much know every phone number he contacts. Pray for strength and peace and pray that your man will change for the better. I think ONCE is enough... If anything ever happened again I know I'd leave him for good. Everyone deserves to be happy and being with a man that constantly hurts you is setting you up for a miserable life.

This is helpful not only to moms and this lady spe...

2012-01-30T13:09:01.773-05:00

This is helpful not only to moms and this lady specifically but to me as well. My work people are TERRIBLY MEAN. I find myself mentally dissonating the time I have to be at work as shorter than the time where I am at home, even though this is logically untrue. It's all about how much of yourself is "there." And I am never "there" at work anymore. It helps when there is no healthier option.

4years 2 children with our youngest being 6 months...

2012-01-05T00:41:34.789-05:00

4years 2 children with our youngest being 6 months old when the day came and I confronted my bf about texts with another woman. He admitted it went a little overboard with a former co-worker.. Family was out of town and she started sexting him. He said he has never been physically attracted to her and it has happened once before.. since there was no physical attraction he felt safe "flirting" with her. However he said he doesnt remember the conversation and doesnt want to. He called her the day I found out and told her that all communication was to stop between the two of them. I am having a hard time getting over this mostly because of what I dont know.. " his contribution in the conversation." How do I trust again and let this go? He wants to get married but I am not sure anymore with our trust being broken. Please help....

Just what I needed to read! My kindergartener is s...

2011-11-21T22:37:50.016-05:00

Just what I needed to read! My kindergartener is so cranky. He doesn't nap so that's not the problem. He always goes to bed early. I think it is the high demands placed on him that he's adjusting to even 3 months later. Thanks for the advice and reminder of just how big of a change he is going through!

As an adoptee I think you are wonderful for openin...

2011-11-19T00:09:47.694-05:00

As an adoptee I think you are wonderful for opening your heart to the idea of adoption. However if your husband is not 100% then I really think it would be a bad idea. An adoptee has suffered a great deal of loss. You can help so much by providing a loving secure home to them, but they will always know they were "given away" first and unless they are 100% sure that they are loved and accepted by both parents, then that is another loss to them and not the right thing to them xxx

Cathy, I am so so sorry you are going through this...

2011-11-15T08:41:13.446-05:00

Cathy, I am so so sorry you are going through this. Trust me, I know exactly what you are going through. I had a two year old, and was 7 months pregnant with our second when I caught my husband doing the same. Video's, pictures, and sexual texts. I was heartbroken...
It sounds to me, like he is definitely addicted to the thrill, which is also what my husband said. My first instinct is to tell you to watch his phone, take a picture of your pregnant belly and send it to these women he is talking to, but of course, that isn't going to solve anything either. It might stop the other side from going any further, but not your husband.
I had to really think hard about my family, future and the honesty my husband came out with. He admitted he was addicted to porn among other things, more because if he see's one thing and is tempted, he wants to see it all. He explained that it wasn't just a girl, or a specific girl, but the thrill of not knowing... He literally said it could be an old woman, a fat woman, etc... it was just curiosity... I hope that was literally all it was... :/

WE spent A LOT of time apart, and at 7 1/2 months I delivered my second... My BP was so high over the last month, that I abrupted and I think a part of his changing was the guilt that he feels, that he caused that. He almost lost both of us, and thankfully he didn't. Aside from that, and with our littlest being sick and in the NICU for so long, it really took the focus off us, and back to our family. I won't say that we just stopped there, and never had an issue again... once our son was home and healthy, I brought it all back up again. We had done a journal to each other for about a month, and each night I started writing my feelings, fears, anger, etc... he would read, and usually in the morning I would have his side to everything. BUT he HAD to let me be angry whenever I wanted/want. Dec. 22 is when I found everything, and that day is not getting any farther away. I still feel resentment, anger, hurt, betrayal, etc... but I've learned to definitely talk about it when I need to. I don't worry about how he reacts, because I shouldn't... I just let it all out, and he knows that he has to be honest, and tell me where he's at in his head.

My main advice is, write a letter to him. Explain what he did to you and how it affected you, your pregnancy, your first child, your FAMILY. Is it worth it? Make his sleep away until YOU are ready. My husband slept in his car twice, and was forced to tell his parents what he did, and stay there. Ours was over Christmas, which made it all worse being around family, etc...

With writing your thoughts out, he can't NOT hear you, and he can't make excuses...

Good luck, take it easy on YOU. Grow that baby to term, and try not to let the stress get to you RIGHT now. You can address later, but your main focus should be the baby. :/

I am so sorry again that you too have to go through this, and especially when carrying his child... ((( hugs )))

Ugh i hate this my husband and i have been togethe...

2011-11-10T17:22:33.832-05:00

Ugh i hate this my husband and i have been together 8 yrs married for 6 and have 2 kids boy is 4 and our girl is 1. the whole time i have known him his family has been very 2faced and mean. his dad was never there for him growning up dipped out on his mom would call and say he was coming never showed. so he always wanted him even now. so his dad had to move back to where we r to get custody of his kids and we paid for it ALL deposits rent storage truck the works!! well since they owed us money when they got this big check they stopped talking to us. stayed away didnt see my son for a whole yr. he didnt even know them when they started to come back around!! o course im the bad guy i need to drop it all and reunite!! ok I DO then again a yr later we had to live with them for 3 WEEKS!! it was HELL his step mom is an alci and she went off on me everyother day! we move out get our own place they tell everyone i was disrespectful and kicked us out!! HUSBAND: nothing!! ok then we get his brothers kids bc they got caught with a meth lab!! the agreement was for them to pay half the bills i had 3 of their kids and fed them the whole deal without child support or state help!! bc of 20 bucks his brother and sister and mother goes off on me takes the kids out of my home(I HAD TO PACK EVERYTHING) and husband: ACTS LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!

Ive been married for 8 years and have a 4 year old...

2011-11-10T08:46:49.033-05:00

Ive been married for 8 years and have a 4 year old and am 6 months pregnant with our 2nd. A couple of years ago i found alot of texts on his phone between him and another woman with a very sexual content sounding like they were describing what they had been doing with each other. He said they were just harmless fun and said it wouldnt happen again. FOr the sake of our marrage and out son i tried to move on.
Two days ago a found some sexual messaages from him to a friend out ours. There were no responses from her but that doesnt mean they werent deleted.
I also found things he had been sending to a woman he works with. One of the things was a video of him "pleasuring himself" with the tag line "you know you want it" and she replied "That shut me up".
When I confromted him about he took his phone and deleted the conversation with the video on it and also the section of conversation that was sexual to our friend. He said the video was meant to come to me and the other comments were just tongue in cheek fun.
He kept saying he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me or our son. That we are his life and other such things.
I find it hard to believe what he is saying to me now. I cant trust him so last night I told him to go away so he slept in his lorry and is doing so again tonight.
I dont know what to do. ANy advice?

To the poster that commented on being married 10 m...

2011-10-27T19:57:31.883-04:00

To the poster that commented on being married 10 months, with the text from "vicky". if you know about it, and are not bringing it up, I can honestly say, that when he does have an actual physical affair, you're gonna be even more upset. YOU NEED TO TALK WITH HIM AND EXPLAIN WHAT YOU SAW AND FIND OUT WHAT HE IS THINKING! Especially with the invite for a hotel rendevouze. My husband was honest with how a man thinks, and one that is addicted to the thrill, etc... they WILL act out on it, especially if they think they wont get caught. You need to confront him dear... I am so sorry that you too are going through this. It's so awful!

I am so sorry to all of you who are hurting. I fee...

2011-10-17T09:03:36.066-04:00

I am so sorry to all of you who are hurting. I feel your pain. I have been crying and sick for the last 2 days. I had to leave work today because I couldn't stop running to the bathroom and throwing up...I found text messages on my husbands phone 2 days ago.. For some odd reason I woke up at 5 am and wanted to charge my phone, so I took his off the charger and plugged mine in..He had a msg and I checked it..It was some 46 year old woman talking about her pink dildo and him responding with the most disgusting things...I had to sit down and started shaking, I was sick immediately and I still cant shake the feeling. We've been married for 1 year and been together for 4..I am so heart broken and I feel like I can never get passed this. we have been talking about having a baby and starting a family and now this...he said nothing has ever happened (she doesnt live in the same city) and I believe it, but it doesnt make it any better...I took snapshots of the texts and cant stop reading over them..the fact that my husband said those words to another woman is killing me, should we goto counselling or is this something I should just walk away from?

I've been married to my husband for 10 months ...

2011-10-03T10:07:19.462-04:00

I've been married to my husband for 10 months and when I first saw the messages from his ex I was blown away. He had left his phone on the bed while he went to the shower. I picked it up to check the time but the screen was on his msgs. I saw texts from a woman named Ang. Let's just say I'm hurt. I never brought it up with him cause I was scared. This was a month ago. I was confused and deeply hurt. The second time however I cried. This was because I was snooping on his phone, I'm not sure why, I regret it. Another woman named Vicky, he's been sexting her and she wanted to meet at a hotel. Still, I'm not sure how to being this up with him. I love him too much and I know deep down it prolly won't stop.

It's been a while since I've been reminded...

2011-09-27T21:47:51.192-04:00

It's been a while since I've been reminded of all of this. While I have had some of the better months (past 6), I still have my doubts, worry, and can't say that I trust 100%. He is aware of this, and is continiously working on bettering himself. He know's how close to losing his family he was, and as an added update to this, the baby I was pregnant with ended up being delivered due to severe placental abruption. I guess my high blood pressure, along with the added stress didn't help there, and the fact that he was pronounced dead on arrival... it took 10 long minutes to revive him, a life flight to the nearest NICU (45 mins) and exactly 30 days... So sad that he could have been the cause of that, and he knows it, but we have fought like hell to put it behind us and focus on our family. Do I feel at any time he could "relaps" and go back to what he THOUGHT he needed? Sure... but I am pretty certain that know he knows what will come to him in the end if he choses that again.

It sucks, and it is cheating. I have made myself work hard to forgive, but I will never forget. He is aware of that, and accepts it 100%

To the newer posters, I am so sorry you too have experienced such betrayal. I can't speak on anyone's "story" but my own because that is what needed to happen for our family.
All I can say is what worked with us was A LOT of talking, being completely open, and coining the phrase transparent in our house. I wrote in a journal for the first three months, and every night my husband would read what I wrote and basically write a response or answer any questions I couldn't seem to muster out to him in person. we did this back and forth for a while and I really think it helped being on paper w/out the fear of an instant reaction.
We talked with couples in similar relationships that also worked through it, and built a support group with them to cope with our situation.

I hope the best for you all.

I am in the same place. Married for 10 years with ...

2011-09-19T10:13:42.734-04:00

I am in the same place. Married for 10 years with 3 kids. I was pregnant this year but lost the child. The day after my baby was taken I found naked pictures of women. I confronted him and he said it was last year when we had problems; he swore on our child. Just recently I found messages on his phone and he once again claimed it was awhile back but I know it was recent by the date. He travels a lot and I saw some messages saying lets meet and found postings he made online. He swears on our unborn child he never met anyone. I honestly love this person and I don't know what to do. He says he loves me but he doesn't show it:*(

I disagree. It is clear from the tone of this le...

2011-09-10T17:22:27.126-04:00

I disagree.

It is clear from the tone of this letter that this woman is rational, sensitive and understands that her stepson is part of her life.

Her desire to have weekend time w/her spouse is absolutely sensible and her husband is being deaf to her needs and those of their partnership.

My husband has a daughter who is w/us from Saturday night to Sunday night/sometimes Monday morning. It is what it is. I don't call myself her stepmother nor do I refer to her as my stepchild. She is my husband's daughter and to her I am her Dad's wife. We have a nice relationship, but I am not overly involved when she is over. She is not my child and it is my obligation to respect and be nice to her, not to love her nor be involved in her upbringing. She has a responsible Mom and Dad.

I CAN'T stand it when all these steparenting blogs make it a moral imperative to super bond w/stepchildren as a "solution" to the challenges these children present to the marital relationship.

Amicability and respect is essential, love is not.

Just as a second spouse understands that a child is part of the package, the parent needs to understand their spouse has needs and IS NOT obligated to feel love for the kid. The biological parent needs also to understand that this second marriage comes with a different dynamic as well and that the spouse needs to be treated differently than would the child's biological parent.

"Feeling Neglected in SJ" has every reason to feel neglected. She's offering an alternative arrangement, but the husband doesn't budge. Want to see the kid more? Have him/her one night over the weekend, or the full weekend on alternate weeks AND visit him/her maybe once during the week.

I know the original post is old, but the response got me really upset. Again, I can't stand the holier than thou, unrealistic non solutions they offer to reasonable steparents such as a neglected in sj.

I looked in my bf'a phone cuz he was being sec...

2011-08-28T00:23:12.483-04:00

I looked in my bf'a phone cuz he was being secretive with it. I found texts between him and a woman who he has been friends with for years. She was sending him naked pics of herself in the tanning bed. He told her she had nice tits and asked for more pics. I was so hurt and mad. Confronted him and he apologized, said it was wrong and stupid and it would never happen again. I almost walked out but decided to stay with him. That was over a month ago but it's still banging around in my head. Sometimes it pops into my head and I'll get mad all over again. I don't think they had sex and he swears he hasn't touched anyone but me and I'm pretty sure that's true. But he likes to play these games. I don't check his phone anymore cuz I'm sure he deletes anything like that now. I doubt that he stopped doing it. I just think that's a real selfish, immature and crappy thing to do when you're in a relationship. Obviously I'm having a hard time forgiving him. We probably won't make it cuz I looked at this broken thing everyday and I won't feel right until it's behind me.

I'm going through this right now with my fianc...

2011-08-21T14:12:31.749-04:00

I'm going through this right now with my fiancee but it's his cousin she as completely alinated me from the family and yesterday he talked to her and all she did was lie to him and I told him that and he doesn't seem to understand that I'm hurt because he wouldnt tell her that she was wrong when he even says he feels that way. How am I suppose to handle this if I don't even feel like my future husband is going to defend me I'm so hurt and can't stop crying about it he keeps saying sorry but sorry isn't going to fix this. His cousins have attacked me in text messages and he has seen them and still nothing. I don't know what to do anymore.

I find it interesting, as well as disgusting, that...

2011-08-19T15:40:12.106-04:00

I find it interesting, as well as disgusting, that when confronted the guilty party says that the offensive behavior is "meaningless" or "just for fun" or "purely fantasy". When you are on the other side of this bad behavior...it sure does not feel like any of those things.

dear expert mom, i am somewhat going thru the sa...

2011-07-20T22:56:41.885-04:00

dear expert mom,

i am somewhat going thru the same thing, the only difference is that i used to get a long with my husbands family, my husband n myself have been together since we were 12, n have been married for almost 3 years, i am 24 now,, so it a little over 10 years, everything was fine, it startd when we were living with his mom almost 2 years ago, she had made her her own little maid...cooking, cleaning, shopping for the house n never paying for it, i talked to my husband about it, n told him we were paying alot to live there with rent for just a small room, n buying her cats food, n the groceries while her new boyfriend would eat it all, they would take up both couches up in the living room so i could not sit out there, even thou we paid so much, i kept my mouth shut, to keep the peace.. i asked my husband to talk to her over n ovr again.. n he wouldnt.. even thou when i do something.. he doesnt stop to yell at me, so i left for a couple days, he didnt follow till we found out i was pregnant, pretty much after that, his family always tries gto seperate us... i wont be invited to things, but he will, his mom tries to take him right from our home... n he couldnt tell her to leave... he just stands there like he is scared, which i dont understand his mom was never a great mom... always with her boyfriends... n his dad just didnt try, hw was always with my family... going on trips, a clean house.. my family has always been helpful, even thou we have our problems... its still family, im used to be upfront... which his family takes that im a conrolling witch... he doesnt to tell there r wrong.. he just backdown n if he does its coz i have forced him to do it, his mom even talks about me at her work, which is our bank that we go to, so now when i go in there im given looks that could kill... n still she gets away with it... pretty much i am not just invited, im told i cannot come, and my husband will actually go along with it int he begining of this all starting until a few people told him it was wrong... now we fight everyday, i feel he does not have my back at all.. n that his family can do whatever they want to me.. n he will never stand up for me

please help!! what do i do??

from so sad

You ought to ask your husband why he suddenly does...

2011-06-19T23:24:38.071-04:00

You ought to ask your husband why he suddenly doesn't want kids now.If he wanted kids earlier,then this seems kind of ridiculous to me.Anyway,since you truly want kids,discuss with him why you want them and that you'll try your best to be a good mother.If he then agrees with you,both of you can decide when to start trying to conceive.However if he still doesn't want kids,bring up the issue of having kids at a later time.At this point,if he still won't change his mind,then you should think twice about staying in this relationship.You should perhaps find a man who wants kids as much as you do.

P.S.I wish you best of luck.

Im so glad that I found other women going through ...

2011-06-13T19:47:27.332-04:00

Im so glad that I found other women going through the same thing I am. I just found out last week that my husband, of a little over a year but bf for over 8 years, is sexting another women. My heart sank and i felt like the whole world was caving in on me. The worst part is all the times he was doing this i was either in the shower or in the bedroom. His excuse was that it was stupid, meant nothing and didn't know why he did it. I am so confused as to what do. We've been together for so long i cant see my life without him. But at the same time i feel like he will just keep doing this to me down the road. i wanna try to make this work seeing how were still young but im just so confused and hurt. if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

This is a hard topic. Why is it that because the M...

2011-05-22T19:57:10.430-04:00

This is a hard topic. Why is it that because the Man says no to adopt the woman has to accept it and live with the ache and it would be called forcing it on him, When it can also be the Man should not deny a child to the woman if she wants one. It does not matter how many children you have, To me that is not a deciding factor. There is no cap on children. We were called to pro create. That is the true reason for Marriage for Procreation according to the Catholic Church which was handed down from the apostles. Maybe the Man is wrong in denying the woman her desire and rights to want to have a child. Men dont hardly take care of all the children any way, it mostly falls on the Woman. If it makes the woman happy to have a child then the woman will be happy and the Man will be happier. Men are suppose to be the leaders of the family and make descions, but in this case, bringing a child into the family, Who says The man gets his way and the woman has to live with the heartache of not adopting. If the couple does adopt then the man has to live with the heartache of loving a child. That is no heartache. where wanting and desiring a child and not having one is heartache. Maybe it might be better to say get the husbands permission. He might not be thrilled with the idea. but get his permission. Marriage has to be one hundred, one hundred and worked out a solution until both agree. Look at how many babies came into the world and the Man was surprised, not ready to have a baby etc, and they had the baby, why should adoption be different. Just some thoughts. I would not give up a dream of adoption.

Most believe it gets easier the older they become....

2011-05-16T13:52:57.008-04:00

Most believe it gets easier the older they become. It doesn't. Mine are 21 and 16 and these are the toughest times ever!